pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
false alarm, still single
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
