BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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