I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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