I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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