Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Randomize
