the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think I have vodka in my lungs
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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