I want to have your abortion
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize