fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
