it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's official drugs can't kill me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
