remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
