but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
