so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize