sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
