you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
