On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
