i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
