what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
