The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
