Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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