Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
