Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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