I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
