I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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