if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize