ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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