I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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