good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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