I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
