Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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