So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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