can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
