now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
