If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
