So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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