My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
