If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
