drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
