It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
