She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
