i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ugly people sure do ruin things
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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