You can't special order awesome
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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