the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
