I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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