I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
