I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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