I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
