and you said cock pushups were impossible
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
