his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
