do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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