I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I want to be your penis for a week.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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