I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize